While it’s a lot of fun to masturbate just for the sake of masturbating, there are some things you can do to raise it to a higher level: a way of approaching it that gives it a broader purpose and influence. I encourage all our patients to masturbate in such a way that they are preparing themselves for partnered sex at the same time.
I have found in my work that how men treat their own body sexually is almost always how they treat their partner’s body sexually. The sensuous lover, who can fill hours with erotic play, probably masturbates along those same lines. Likewise, the man who masturbates to get an orgasm probably approaches sex as an exchange of orgasms. Sure, there are exceptions, but for the vast majority of men this holds true.
Any great lover knows that for a woman, intercourse is only one item on the smorgasbord of sex. Men have a tendency to forget that since the focus of sex for men tends to be the vagina, surely she must enjoy it as much as we do, right?
Wrong.
Women tend to naturally involve their entire body in the sexual experience. As men, we have to intentionally work on that.
Masturbation is the perfect training ground for guys to erotically explore their bodies. Mindful masturbation means touching yourself with intent and focus. Be aware of what you are feeling and sensing. Ask yourself these questions:
- “What parts of my body feel good besides my penis?”
- “What are different ways I can touch my body?”
- “What kinds of feelings are associated with different parts of my body?”
- “What does it feel like to touch my body?”
- “What does it feel like to be touched by myself?”
- “Do I have shame about touching myself?”
The skin is by far the largest sex organ. In fact, all of your body can be an erogenous zone. I had one young man who had always masturbated very quickly just to get an orgasm. His exercise was to slow down and really pay attention, in a loving way, to a different part of his body every day while masturbating. He was to keep a masturbation journal. One day he wrote “I made love to my kneecaps today. At first it felt weird. I never thought I would do something like that! But it was amazing. I had no idea even my knees could be erotic!”
He went on and discovered that his whole body was full of sensations he had never known. One day he relapsed into his old habits and masturbated very quickly. He wrote, “I masturbated for 2 minutes before I came. It was awful. Never again.”
Sex is about sensation, not orgasm. Mature, experienced lovers know this. When sex is about an orgasm, it can become goal oriented and lose spontaneity and lose a sense of play. Just as with any playtime activity, it’s a lot more fun to just play. Playtime sex is the kind which can last for hours. It also can be far more connecting and intimate, and ultimately much more fulfilling.
So, while masturbating, take the opportunity to make love to every inch of your body. Explore your body, your mind, your emotions. Then, apply those same techniques to your partner’s body. Instantly, you have forever transformed your sex life. Even if you may not have a partner right now, start training for when you do.
