In last week’s column, we talked about what to do when, despite your best efforts, your relationship with your partner is about to end. Strategies we discussed included getting legal advice, considering alternatives to litigation, and understanding that there’s no such thing as “winning” custody. This week I want to share a few more strategies that are designed to improve your entire family’s communication.
- Talk to your children. One of the hardest things about a breakup is having to tell your child about it. If possible, you and your partner should do it together. Regardless of your child’s age, what he or she really wants to know is, “How is this going to affect me?” Everything you say should answer that question in age-appropriate terms.
Start with a short explanation of what divorce is: “Mommy and Daddy are going to be living in different houses. But we both love you, and we will always take care of you.” Your child most likely won’t ask many questions, but that doesn’t mean she’s not affected. So try to anticipate—and preemptively answer—as many of her concerns as possible. Tell her, for example, “You’re going to have one room at Daddy’s house and one at Mommy’s”; “You’ll be able to bring your favorite blankie with you wherever you go”; “Mommies and daddies can get divorced from each other, but they never get divorced from their children. We will always love you and take care of you”; “No, this is not happening because of anything you did.”
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