Sex is Giving Each Other Orgasms

I get an email in my junk folder every week from a sex guru who swears he can teach me to give my woman orgasms that will change her life. He tells us that we need to show her what her body can do. She is dying for us to take charge and lead her into sexual bliss, guided by our masterful command of her body.

The message is constant: “If you don’t give her orgasms until she can’t walk, she is likely going to leave you.” That’s a pretty scary thought; because we are then led to believe “Sex becomes something I have to do in a certain way, and if I don’t do it right, I’m going to be abandoned.” Now, if that isn’t fodder for years of therapy, I don’t know what is.  Oh, and for $19.99, this guru will sell you his secrets.

And then, the lie continues, you have done your duty to her, you’ve earned your reward, you can now go for your own big O. There. You’ve just had great sex, right? Maybe. Maybe not.

Anyone can do what they want during sex and, at times, trading orgasms may be just the right thing to do. But when this becomes the framework for sex, orgasm is reduced to a currency exchange – sort of like the family gift exchange where the dutiful merely exchange envelopes with identical checks inside. If this works for you, great!

But most great lovers will tell you that the orgasm is not the important part. The journey is the reward.  Unfettered, unrestrained play is what it’s all about. Relating to each other, connecting, giving, taking, and sharing, result in an emotional and endorphin euphoria that often exceeds the rush of orgasm. One couple told me that when they engage in this kind of sex, the orgasm is like dessert – it’s the sweet end of a wonderful meal, but it’s not the main course.

To help couples expand their play, I often encourage them to use the “Two Minute Intercourse” technique.  After two minutes of traditional intercourse, they move on to something else.  They can take turns deciding what to do next. In fact, whispering into your partner’s ear what you want to do to them while you are having intercourse can heighten arousal considerably. Toys, tongues, fingers, even elbows and knees can be used. You can come back to intercourse as often as you wish, but this practice emphasizes variety, sensation, play, and the unexpected.

I totally get that women historically have been short-changed when it comes to orgasm tallies. Following the teachings of this sex guru might be a fun project to help her catch up if she feels she has had fewer than her share. I wholeheartedly support making sure each other is satisfied and happy. But think about making the journey to an orgasm the goal in itself – not merely the means to a breathless end!

Paul Nelson

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Paul is an AASECT certified sexuality educator and a clinical medical assistant.  He is president of the Erectile Dysfunction Foundation, and founder of, the largest online community for men’s sexual dysfunctions and maintains a private practice at  He works in New York City with Dr. Michael Werner ( as a patient/sexuality educator.  Paul is an instructor at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. He is an advocate for men’s reproductive health and has appeared on ABC News with Diane Sawyer, NPR’s Talk of the Nation, the BBC, and the New York Times. Paul is a member of the AUA, ISSM, AASECT, and SMSNA.
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