This is a lie that closely related to the whole vagina focused sex of Lie #3. But variations on this lie seem to appear in many different guises. It is frustrating when even professionals contribute to this lie by continuing to use terms such as ‘foreplay’ – implying that oral sex, massage, nibbling, licking, and naked play are just a warm-up for the REAL sex of intercourse.
What makes something ‘real sex’? Well, except for the movies, there is no fake sex. Despite Bill Clinton’s best efforts, oral sex is sex. Masturbation is sex. Making out is sex. Spanking is sex. Strip tease is sex. Dry humping is sex. You can have sex naked. You can have sex clothed. Some people claim to have had sex only with their eyes (now THAT is a real trick!). You can have sex alone, with one person, or many people. Sex can be any touch with erotic intent.
When I work with men, we try to re-examine their conceptions of sex. We often begin by redefining what sex is and try to find a workable definition of sex for each guy. This is harder than it might seem. You can imagine that we start with a very narrow definition (such as penis in vagina) and as the discussion goes on, we discover that we have to broaden it. As we dissect the sexual energy in so much of what we do, I had one guy stop and look at me and say, “Well, then, EVERYTHING in the whole world is sex.” In many respects, he is absolutely right! Eventually, we usually come up with a definition something like “Sex is Body Play”. So, why is it that we seem to universally believe that intercourse is the only real sex?
Our culture supports this lie. All the euphemisms for sex are used to imply intercourse: Everything from “bury the bone” to “dip your wick” (This is a GREAT list of 100 Euphemisms for sex (https://www.thedatereport.com/dating/pop-culture/1552-100-different-ways-to-say-sex/). They all have to do with putting the penis inside someone/something.
The real damage of believing this lie is that it limits the connecting, intimate, erotic activity of non-penetrative sex as merely a vehicle to get the partner warmed up enough to screw. This lie denies the validity of every other sexual expression. It diminishes that experience of pleasure. It negates your sexual experience if you never really arrived at intercourse.
The ripple effect of this lie goes on and on. It can make people feel that their experience has been somehow ‘less than’ since they did not conform to a certain behavior. I had one gay guy lament that he had not had real sex since he had not had anal intercourse. When all erotic activity is not validated as a worthwhile sexual expression, people will be marginalized based on what they don’t do.
Instead, let’s begin embracing all activity with erotic intent as worthwhile sex! It may be erotic touch, erotic eating, erotic dance, erotic talk – erotic anything! And let it be fun, fulfilling, and freely accepted as sex.
