Most of us assign a high priority to sexual/sensual fulfillment, but few of us attain it. From my personal and professional vantage points, 
it seems the most important keys are self acceptance, compassion for our partners, free expression, and good communication skills. If we give to ourselves, and extend to our partners from this presence and awareness, sexual/sensual fulfillment is relatively simple.
Most sexual and sensual “dysfunctions” are symptoms of ignorance of Self and the inherent pleasure and joys of that primary intimate connection. When we extend from shame, we get pain and heartache. From this base, men may have “erectile problems,” such as premature ejaculation (timing issues), situational impotence, or difficulty releasing into orgasm. Women may also experience difficulty releasing, or being aroused, or discomfort from penetration. These women may be labeled hard to please, castrating, or just icy. While there can be attending physiological factors such as injury, overweight or illness, most often, poor functioning is a result of poor communication with your partners, and a disliking for and ignorance about Self. It usually takes time, commitment and faith to alter non life-affirming patterns.
Below are some guidelines or “keys” to assist you in finding the sexual and sensual fulfillment you want and deserve. Working with these principles will bring more joy, love and pleasure into your daily life. Sharing what you discover with others will enhance theirs. Be patient. Be well.
KEY #1: OVERCOMING PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Performance anxiety is the upset caused by treating lovemaking as if it’s a performance or an audition. If you’re focused on how you’re doing, chances are you’re not having a good time, can’t feel your own body/sensations, cannot feel pleasure — and are communicating your anxiety to your partner. Performance anxiety is the number one killer of pleasure and intimate communion. Note, too, that you can be performing in reverse by trying to “fake” being turned on, or otherwise manufacturing a response in order to please or rescue your partner. Suggestions:
- Remember you’re not a “human doing,” but a human being, and valuable as such.
- Relax! This isn’t your only shot at fulfillment.
- Breathe. This reduces anxiety, automatically grounding you.
- Stay organic, in the moment, connecting with your partner. Meet at the heart level for greatest fulfillment.
- Cultivate the art of letting go of controlling the outcome. Practice trusting togetherness.
- Learn to receive and to give without taking. Be aware of your needs, however, and ask clearly for what you want.
- Learn to make love without focus on the genitals as part of your fullbodied enjoyment. Be both a toucher and a touchee.
KEY #2: BECOMING A GREAT LOVER
Practicing the above steps for reducing performance anxiety is a good start! Now remember to:
- Relax! Enjoying sex with someone you genuinely like is naturally easy and satisfying.
- Be “sense-you-all.” Use all your senses, especially tactile. Touch all over your bodies with any/all parts of your bodies.
- Don’t rush. Allow time for sufficient arousal.
- Know about and communicate clearly what feels good.
- Technique can be useful, but worrying about it communicates anxiety and destroys enjoyment for a couple.
- Be honest and caring. Loving contact is what we all really need.
KEY #3: “LASTING LONGER” (ENDING PREMATURE EJACULATION)
This is an issue for many men. For some, tantra yoga practices to build and contain “charge,” move pleasure to the whole body, and help you surrender into relaxation, is a way out. Other helpful practices are “sensate focus” training (focusing attention on body sensations to augment pleasure capability), developing the “PC” muscle (a muscle that strengthens the urogenital tract, resulting in stronger orgasms), behavior modification, and hypnotherapeutic help to locate and release traumatic memories. (Resolving this issue may be relatively simple, or highly complex.) Useful guidelines are:
- Become conscious of your “POI” (point of inevitability of orgasm).
- Learn to decrease arousal sensations well ahead of your POI.
- Build successfully higher plateaus of arousal, learning to hold off orgasm ejaculation for at least 15 minutes.
- Choose a partner who is caring and supportive. Be honest and don’t apologize for yourself. You’re learning.
- Check for physiological complications. A doctor may help.
- Develop and maintain a healthy body.
- Have more orgasms: Self-pleasure, if you’ve no regular “other.”
KEY #4: EMBRACING LOSS OF ERECTION
Loss of erection may be experienced once in a while, frequently, or totally. We speak of “situational” loss of function when circumstances disenable a man to be sufficiently aroused to sustain an erection. Usually a man blames himself and his betraying member, as may his partner. Physiologically, an erection is a response to increased blood flow into the penis. This flow can be stimulated by such factors as: sexual attraction, fantasy, getting a massage, emotional reactions, and relaxation. Generally, if a man understands his arousal needs and can communicate these with a caring partner, his body works fine. What’s really a shame is that when a man can’t sustain an erection — for whatever reason — he often feels his very male-hood is at stake. Here are some helpers:
- Develop a positive, loving attitude toward your body.
- Educate yourself about female bodies. Know that it’s normal for erections to come and go, and come back again.
- Know what turns you on. Explore your preferences with a supportive partner.
- Communicate clearly and honestly and help your partner do the same.
- Reduce performance anxiety by not clinging to the myths of Supersex. Be natural, real, and human. Your lover will appreciate the real you.
- Trust feeling vulnerable. Sex is not mere performance. It’s a chance for closeness and intimacy. Learn how to surrender, let yourself go.
KEY #5: EMBRACING “FRIGIDITY”, AND LACK OF ORGASM
Women’s bodies, during lovemaking, reflect their frames of mind, beliefs about themselves as women, their feelings about their partners, etc. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, cared about, or sure of herself as a partner or as a woman, she may experience lack of desire, lack of vaginal lubrication, and an inability to have an orgasm. Like a man, she may blame herself or blame her partner, but blame will not help her turn on and enjoy her natural womanliness. Suggestions:
- Learn to love yourself and your body. Take good care of you.
- Discover the “sense-you-all” life.
- Dispel performance anxieties. Realize that men, too, want closeness and caring.
- Practice clear, honest and direct communication. Choose a partner who genuinely likes and supports you.
- Learn to self pleasure (masturbate). Teach your partner what pleases you, what works. Women’s bodies are complex creations. Respect yours by understanding it.
- Be patient during your re-learning process. Get a counselor for help with emotional and other related issues.
- Sexual contact is a wondrous communication between two people who like themselves, their “instruments” for expression, and can talk openly.
- Check with a doctor for any possible physical complications.
KEY #6: THE BASIC STEPS TO FULFILLMENT
- Dispel the myths of SuperMan/Woman. Be naturally you. You are enough.
- Be with someone you genuinely like.
- Take time to feel and be close.
- Touch with caring and sensitivity.
- Be open to give and to receive.
- Communicate effectively. Say what you feel. Be direct about needs. Support your lover to do the same.
- Good sex means good communication at many levels.
- RELAX!
KEY #7: WHAT DO MEN/WOMEN WANT IN A LOVER?
Although differences exist, most men and women share these desires:
- A real partner who’s not wrapped up in trying to prove his/her worth.
- An honestly caring, loving partner.
- Someone willing to give and receive, and take initiative.
- Someone who makes you feel genuinely liked, cherished, respected.
- A warm, nurturing companion. Someone to be honest and free with.
- A partner who will touch you all over in ways that say, “I care.”
