Dear Mr. Dad: Just after our first trimester, my wife and I lost our baby. I’ve been focusing on being there for her and supporting her every way I can. But this miscarriage has hit me pretty hard too and I’m having a tough time coping. Part of the problem is that I feel guilty about having feelings at all—after all, she’s the one who had the miscarriage. And anyway, there’s really no one for me to talk to about it. Am I alone in feeling this way?
A: You’re definitely not alone. People tend to think of miscarriage (and just about everything else associated with pregnancy) as affecting only women. But that’s simply not true. Although we men don’t have to endure the physical pain, there’s no question that emotionally, the experience of losing a baby is very much the same. Like our pregnant partner, we have fantasies and dreams and hopes for our unborn child. And, like our pregnant partner, when a pregnancy ends prematurely, most of us are hit with profound feelings of sadness. Many also feel guilty and/or inadequate, as if there was something we could have or should have done to prevent the tragedy.
The biggest difference between men’s and women’s experience is the way we express our grief. Women are much more comfortable grieving openly. They talk to—and get support from—family, friends, and others. Guys, true to stereotype, tend to keep our feelings to ourselves and are very reluctant to discuss them with anyone—especially those closest to us. You captured that perfectly when you wrote that you “feel guilty about having feelings at all.”
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Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash
